Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category


Posted: May 6, 2014 in Journal, Writing
noun: passion; plural noun: passions; noun: Passion; noun: the Passion
strong and barely controllable emotion.

At this point in my life, I want to sit back and decide… what is it that I really want to do? One hears so much hype about following your passion, it has become the mantra of many self-help authors and entrepreneurs and life coaches and would-be experts.

But what is passion? Does everyone have one? And how do you explore and find yours if you don’t know what it is?

Am I handicapped in some way since I am of a “certain age” and yet I have no f’ing idea what my passion is! I can never shake the feeling that I am born to do something grand… but I haven’t. I’ve lived a life where I flitted from one thing to the next, have I always been searching for what is my passion… even before it became a hot buzz word?

When someone listens to an accounting of my life, they respond with words like, “interesting, exciting, adventurous, brave… funny how when I think of my life, it was none of those things. Is it that I expect so much that nothing can quite live up to the hype?

I ask myself sometimes when I hear my self talk… “my goodness, I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy in those terms.” Why am I so hard on myself? I used to think it was just me. I see people whom I believe to be successful, and for whom everything seems to come so easy. They have a clear path. They move along in from point A to point B achieving every goal seemingly effortlessly. Is this because they are doing what is their passion? Mark Cuban says What a bunch of BS. ”Follow Your Passion” is easily the worst advice you could ever give or get.

 “Don’t follow your passions, follow your effort. It will lead you to your passions and to success, however you define it.”
I think I like his definition the best. I have tried many things in my life.. I’ve been a student, a tennis player, Bartender, Meat Wrapper, Waitress, Lab Technician, Musician, Phlebotomist, Human Factors Engineer, Technical Writer, Ranch Manger, Personnel Assistant, small business creator… with the exception of the last, I followed through on every one of those jobs and became fairly proficient, enjoyed the work … but still somehow I found it lacking. I didn’t feel fulfilled.
So here we are at the present day. What will I do? Write? Start a Business? I just don’t know. What waits out there for me this time. I’ve never really taken the time to think about it before. A door opened and I went through. This is the first time in my life, at least that I can remember, that I am faced with the proposition of ferreting out that which will be meaningful to me. And I’m scared to death that I’ll never find it. Then what…

My Last Ride…

Posted: February 2, 2014 in Journal

For all of 2013, I worked very hard to reach a goal I had set 10 years ago. It was 2003 when I found the sport of reining, bought my first reining horse, and set sail on a journey that would have amazing ups and downs. Many obstacles stood in my way. But in 2013, everything came together;  Randy Paul, 2010 Worlds Greatest Horseman and NRHA Million Dollar Rider came to work at the ranch I managed. Together we rode down the path and followed my dream to achieve that goal: Rookie of the Year. Each January brings a new season of horse showing. At each skill level, from green-as grass to open rider, reiners try to qualify for various year-end final competitions. For me, a relative new comer to the sport, it was the Rookie division, and the finals held in Oklahoma City every year beginning on Thanksgiving Day. Each NRHA region holds a yearly affiliate final where riders who have accumulated enough points at the qualifying shows to score in the top ten are invited to compete. The top eight from each regional affiliate final is invited to compete in the NRHA  Affiliate Championship Finals. I had tried several times to qualify for the regional finals, but did not make it until 2012. That year I was unable to make the top ten. But in 2013 I placed 6th in a very hotly competed field to earn my spot in the championship finals.

The day of my ride, I had come down with the flu and was not feeling very well. For that an other reasons, I made a few errors. But I am still very proud of the ride and what I accomplished that day. I finished 18th out of a field of 60. It is my belief that the judges were a little hard on me with their scoring, and I think I should have been scored to finish at 8th. But hey, I’m not complaining. It was a wonderful last ride and I’ll never forget it!

What’s a girl to do?

Posted: February 1, 2014 in Journal

I’ve been out of the mainstream for a while working at a job that was pretty consuming. Now that I am no longer working at that job, I have decided that this is a time for me to reflect… to determine what I want to do with this, the third act of my life. I want to actively manage my life, to understand what I want to do, accomplish, experience and avoid. Rather than a random life that I fall through the nearest open door of opportunity (which has often worked out amazingly well) ˆ want to leave no stone unturned. I have a limited amount of time left to thrive and I don’t want to look back and say, “I wish I would have….” Sure no life can be void of regrets, the love that never blossomed, the dream job that wasn’t quite what you expected, the place you didn’t get to… but if I can sum it all up, I’d like to become more aware of my choices both opportunities that open up to me and the ones that I create.

Me and Abbey

Posted: February 1, 2014 in Journal

Me and Abbey

Hiking in Lang Ranch.

Brick by Brick …

Posted: January 31, 2014 in Journal

Brick by Brick my citizen